I spy… bacon
So I’m trying to find a job right now, sending off CV’s to various companies and scholarships to get some experience over the summer.
When you’ve been sitting for the most part of a day, thinking about a certain job and trying to write something about it in order to impress the people who will be picking candidates, these thoughts are at the front of your mind.
If you then go to sleep with afore said thoughts at the front of your mind… well it can lead to some funky stuff happening.
Getting a job over the summer was always going to be tricky, but I had managed it. Not only that, I had managed to land a job in the same area as Neil, Mark and Derek were all working in as well.
I was working in a University over the summer, doing a placement which really appealed to me; I was so excited about starting. Turning up at the University (where I would actually be staying), the building was magnificent with huge towers and old musty rooms, just like all universities should be.
Neil, Mark and Derek accompanied me as I was led through all the passages and arches within the main court of the university. After walking for a short while we were brought to a door just off the courtyard and ushered in. This I was told was to be my living space. An old room, well lit and tidy, with various chairs and sofas and also a desk with a PC on it. I think to myself that I am glad not to have brought my PC as there is already one here.
After a quick look around the room I am satisfied, apart from the lack of a bed, I just assume that one of the sofas is a sofa bed. Neil, however, points out a door at the other side of the room, which for some reason has not been noticed up until now. Going through the door reveals my bedroom. Furnished with a bed with blue duvet and pillows this all seems in order. Turning around reveals another desk with yet another PC on it, things are looking up. Neil then starts looking around the desk telling me it should be here somewhere. I have no idea what he is looking for so ask what it is. Just at that moment he pulls up, form behind the desk, a laptop which he informs me is an iBook. Neil moans at me about this as it appears I have a Mac (he’s a big Mac freak) and high speed internet, whereas he has been landed with a PC and dial up connection.
The iBook plugs straight into the monitor the same time as the PC does and both displays are displayed on the screen at once allowing the user to jump between the PC display and the Mac display. This is fun for a while and I sit and play with the Mac and PC in turn.
Taking another look around my bedroom reveals it is not just a small box room but that it is a long room which my bedding area is only a small part of. The other end of this long room is filled by a pub. The pub is open and a few punters are sitting having a quiet drink. There is a curtain hanging from a rail in order to separate my bedroom from the pub.
Not thinking this to be too strange I go back to the computer and the guys all leave. Just after this, a bunch of people, also working at the university, come into the pub to celebrate. The bar side of the room fills up fairly quickly and then everyone starts piling into my bedroom. I end up sitting at my computer explaining how to work it to a guy sitting next to me.
I am sitting talking to this guy when a woman who “knows” me from home shouts me over to her. She then introduces me to X—–X’s daughter, some random person from the same town as I am. Realising that she wants to meet me about as much as I want to meet her, we say hello and leave it at that.
After all the main craziness has died down I decide to look through all the welcome material that I have been left. Amongst this is a box of cooked meats on top of which is one rasher of bacon with instructions as to what I need to do. It tells me that I need to enter certain details into the computer STRAIGHT AWAY. After doing so the girl I was introduced to comes over and asks me to cook some bacon for me. I explain to her that I cannot cook this bacon as I need it for the instructions on it. She does not seem impressed by this.
I sit back down at my PC and start looking at all the courses I have to attend before being able to do any work, there is about a weeks worth of them. Along at the bar one of the bar workers does something to the tap and beer starts spewing out all over the floor and the punters in the bar. Other things seem to happen then my dream jumps forward in time.
I am now standing on the balcony of one of the halls in the university, it has a deep red carpet and runs all the way round each side of the hall with stairs down to the hall floor. The walls and corners of the balcony are covered with paintings and statues of important people who attended or worked at the university. Walking round the balcony I see a man slouched on front of a coat of armour, crying to himself. I go to talk to him and find out it is my grandfather (but not actually him). He is upset because my father is such a worthless man, I try to explain to him that my father is not worthless but he won’t listen.
My father then appears at the other side of the balcony (although he is also not my father). He runs round to my grandfather and they talk for a while but I do not hear what they say. They make up and my grandfather is no longer crying but is happy. As it turns out he is the head of the university and when he stands up he is wearing his full ceremonial robes.
My father, grandfather and myself make our way into the middle of the hall where there is an exam going on. Most of the people in the exam I recognise from the pub the previous day. My grandfather goes to the front of the hall and starts giving a speech, no one is interested and everyone tries to get on with their exam. My father now tries to give his own speech but is also ignored.
I don’t know why but I decide it is my turn to give a speech. I stand on front of all the people in the exam and start walking up one of the rows of seats. As I do so the people who I have passed stop writing and get up from their seats. I have not yet said anything but once I have been round the entire room, everyone is standing, whooping and cheering for me.
I eventually come to the guy I had been explaining my computer to. He says nothing but seems happy to see me. Just then the girl, who I had refused the bacon to, comes over and demands bacon from me again. I tell her yet again that it is not possible for me to give her the bacon as I need it. The shouts accusingly at me saying I gave it to someone else then started pointing behind me. I look behind me to see Dean (a fellow student at Glasgow University) eating a bacon sandwich. I ask him where he got the bacon and he tells me he got it in my bedroom and he hopes I don’t mind.
Having lost the instructions of what to do, I decide it best to leave the university and go home. I walk out of the grounds and up towards a main road as it turns out the university is in the middle of nowhere. I take an unused path through some trees till I reach the road.
When I hit the road I see a huge army vehicle which is kitted out for desert terrain. It is done up with sand coloured camouflage and there are two women working in the back of it. One of them is Diana Scully from the X-files and the other is her friend. They are talking about me and how they cannot get in touch with me. I climb up into the cab and wait for them to come around. When they do so they are both surprised and relieved to see me. They want to go to the university for some top secret stuff. I drive the truck up to the road leading up to the university.
Here there is a roadblock which is unmanned. It has some German writing on it. I drive the truck onwards, smashing through the barrier and on down the road. I come to another road block which is also unmanned and has German writing on it. I smash through this one as well. We are then in the main grounds of the university. It should be down this hill and half way up the next, but it is not. Instead of the university buildings there are just green hills, I look around at the area we are in and see there is a sign for a golf course. It seems that the Germans have taken over the university and turned it into a golf course.
After getting out of the truck and scouting about, I see the mastermind behind this practicing his pitching at the bottom of the hill. I walk up to him and he starts explaining his plan to me in a James Bond manner. It now turns out that I am James Bond and my mission is to foil this evil golfing plan of the Germans. It also turns out I have managed to get a croquet club from somewhere and I hit one of the mastermind’s stray balls towards him.
I get even closer to the mastermind and he hands me his club to take a shot at pitching. I take up my stance and address the ball. Then I swing the club back much further than necessary hitting him in the head and knocking him out. I hide the body in some bushes but then hear someone coming down the road. The hill has the open road on its right and a river obscured by bushes on its left. I dive round one of the bushes and manage to hold on to the steep bank, peering through the bushes to see a henchman walk by.
Looking down the river I can see it bends away to the left and the banking goes back up towards the road and the truck. I pull out a rifle which I took from the mastermind and start to shimmy along the banking. I hear another noise and duck down against the banking. Then Scully and her friend appear along the banking and start moving towards me. More henchmen start appearing on the road, we have to move quickly to get out of here.
I move along the banking=, ducking and diving as necessary to avoid the henchmen. I reach the point where the river bends and start to climb the banking there. I reach the top and see there are no henchmen able to see me from the hill. I turn to go onto the road when I see two young henchmen of around 16 years sitting at the top of the banking. I point my gun at the older looking of the two and say, in my Sean Connery voice:
Think about it kid, itsh no worth shouting. Just run away now.
The kid got up to run off and started shouting to the other henchmen in the area that I was here. I tried to shoot the boy but the safety was on the rifle still. I clambered up the banking, flicking the safety off the gun. Around 30 henchmen appeared; I shot one of them picking up his automatic. Then with a left strafing action, I ran along rocketing off a barrage of bullets into the largest group of henchmen. Then with another strafing motion to the right I took out the majority of the rest. I finally finished off the last of the henchmen with a matrix style flip onto my head then back onto my feet whilst pounding a henchman full of bullets at the same time.
Then Scully and her friend appear and we take off towards the truck. Here is where my dream ends.
So, I’m looking for a job. If anyone’s got any spy work going gimme a call.
Cheers for now,
- Miller, Chris Miller