The majority of this dream is uneventful, I’m rich and live in a large mansion, two minders follow me throughout the dream, you know the type, one tall man in sunglasses and a shorter white guy with a near shaven head. Both wear black coats and skulk around in whichever room I’m in at the time.

Towards the end of the dream I’m in a room, my minders are floating around in the background, there’s a little black girl playing in the room. At some point I manage to end up crawling around on my knees, the girl has a small child size chair and is trying to put the legs over my head as to trap it in there. She is following me around, chanting something that sounds really sinister in child-rhyme style, although the words she is chanting do not sound like words at all.

The chair is too small to fit over my head because I’m struggling to stop her doing so. I look up to the smaller minder to request some assistance however he looks at me as if to suggest that I should allow the girl to put the chair over my head. I give up and let her do so.

Suddenly with the chair over my head I begin to feel really anxious and can sense something wrong, I can feel a presence within myself that I didn’t feel before. Suddenly the girl is chanting ever louder and more quickly, I look down to my arm and see a black smoke rise out through my skin and get sucked out of the room.

By this point I wake up, disoriented and quite frankly shitting myself. The chanting girl had been eerie but the black stuff coming out of my arm sent me over the edge, that was nothing scary in any proper sense of the word but rather the anxious feeling that scared me.

I managed to get back to sleep relatively quickly and had no more dreams containing chair bearing children with the powers of exorcism.

As anyone who reads my blog will know, I own pet gerbils. Having exams just now means that they are not getting played with as much just now, to make room for study, this seems to have lead onto my dream. In the dream I have pet gerbils as they currently are, a pet cat and an aquarium full of tropical fish. When I was a kid we used to have tropical fish in the house and these fish seemed to be the same ones I had in the dream.

I was looking at the fish, sitting statue like in the tank (none of them moving at all), when I realised that I couldn’t remember the last time I had fed them (a number of months). Suddenly shocked I grabbed a tub of fish pellets that were sitting next to the tank and dumped some into the water. I then picked up a carton of fish flakes which I was also intent on feeding to them. When I opened the carton I saw that all the fish flakes were similar in decoration to the fish, some had silvery scales, some looked like they had spots and others with stripes. I fed these striped, spotted and shiny flakes to the fish and they all seemed to slowly come back to life, eating all the food and swimming around the tank as if I had been feeding them every day!

Think this dream was brought on by my erratic sleep pattern just now and the fact that I can never remember if I fed the gerbils yet (I usually feed them at a specific time, but that has been erratic since the exams/revision started). Anyway, the gerbils are fine and the dream fish seemed to be Ok. No harm done then.
- Chris

I expect that dream posts will be scarce compared to blog posts but an RSS feed is available if you wish to keep up to date with any new dreams. For now you will have to make do with the original dreams - there’s some strange stuff in there to keep you busy.

Happy reading,
- Chris

After watching the two brothers devastate a pool hall, smashing cues over various peoples shit it was off to bed to have a nice sleep. This in combination with what I had heard about the new Strong Bad e-mail and the new nunchuck gun he had bought was to lead to some dastardly dreams.

Just close your eyes and I’ll tell you when the gruesome parts are over…

Part 1

This dream has three main parts, all totally different from each other but somehow strangely fitting. It all starts with a boat ride, with my parents and some random old woman who is our tour guide. We are in a long, flat boat which has a small hut built over it with a roof but no walls. The old woman is at the back of the boat working the small motor which is driving us along. My parents sit on my right as I am looking back along from the front of the boat towards the old woman. We are slowly making our way along a fairly shallow and not very wide river. The water is crystal clear and I can see the stones at the bottom and the fish swimming. On the banking on either side of the river there is lush green vegetation and it is all very tranquil and quiet.

I look along the boat and it changes to be as if I am looking at a film of what I am seeing, the shot moves down the boat towards the old woman and past my parents. It then also passes the woman and settles looking onto the water, in the shot I see a large fish swim past then jump into the air, then splashing down into the water. After this I see some sort of jellyfish shaped creature, however instead of being translucent it was almost totally solid in color and was white, it swam off past the boat. On seeing these fish and the river I instantly wanted to go fishing and suggested this to my father. We stopped and I started to fish in the river while everyone else lazed around. After a while fishing uneventfully my father told me it was time to go.

Once back on the river we started to pick up a bit of speed as the old woman gave the boat a little more gas, the back of the boat then started to dip slightly under the water and started to hit some of the rocks that sat higher in the water. The woman appologised for this and slowed the boat back down.

Part 2

This part of the dream spawns the title and is perhaps why I shouldn’t tell anyone about it. Now I am not a violent person, anyone who says I am is in serious shit because I’ll cut them, cut them good, but it’s not like I’ll enjoy it!

Anyway what I’m trying to say is that I am not prone to having violent dreams, wherein I am fighting in any real life or death situations or killing any small furry animals (that’s real life). This part of the dream throws all this out of the window and takes me for some high octane, gore filled, vomit inducing adventures. Let us continue with the story…

So somehow I end up in a room in some sort of stadium, up high perhaps a commentators box or an office. One of the Kray brothers is here, he has a brick gun (not unlike Strong Bad’s nunchuck gun) and is pointing it at me. At this point it is useful to note that there are around 15 - 20 women here with us and I am standing between them and the gun, perhaps protecting them but probably not. The brick gun consists of a revolver with a brick with 6 holes in it hanging from the barrel.

Being the quick thinking and frankly amazingly corrageous hero that I am, I lunge forwards and grab the brick off the end of the brick gun leaving the Kray brother with only his revolver. Deciding that this may also pose somewhat of a threat I smash the brick into the Kray brothers face. He hits the deck like a sack of potatoes, all the girls make a dash for the door but the Kray brother starts to get back up. I get onto my knees beside him and hit him in the back of the head with the brick again, hopefully to knock him out or at least stun him enough to allow all of us to get away. He hits the floor again but straight away is getting back up. I hit him again, he gets back up. I hit him over and over yet he still keeps getting back up. Close your eyes now!

Failing to get him to stay down long enough to get away, I keep hitting him with the brick, I do so again and I hear a crack, I’ve split the back of his skull open and can see into his head. Still he keeps getting back up. I hit him again, cracking more of his skull but he keeps getting up. I strike him again and he goes down, I start mashing his head in order to keep him down. I hit the back of his head and the brick hits his brain and squelches, I hit him again, then again, and again. I keep doing so until he stops moving, I assume he’s dead but who can be sure this bastard was a tough one! You can open your eyes now.

After “dealing” with the Kray brother it is off down the stairs to see if the girls are Ok.

Part 3

It’s got a big yellow bus and my great reasoning, this part of the dream is strange just because of that.

So this part of the dream starts inside the stadium where I have just killed the Kray brother. I usher all the women into a big yellow bus, much like a school bus, which is sitting at the side of the field. Then I smash the thing through the huge double breast stadium doors and out onto the street, workers at the stadium start to chase but are soon left behind.

Then for some reason it turns out that I am actually in America and am driving along in a state which is on the other side of the country from where the bus comes from. I decide that this isn’t a problem and continue to hurtle down the road with all the women in the back. Somewhere along the line the top of the bus gets ripped off by a low bridge leaving the bus with no cover over the top.

Continuing along a country road for a while we start to slow down and keep to the speed limit. After a while of this the police pull up beside us and tell us me to stop the bus. I go to speak to the officers and am obviously very nervous about what just happened so am a bit on edge. One of the police officers tells me that I am not allowed to “taxi people around in the bus” in this state as it is registered for the one on the other side of the country. I then get very angry with him and sharply explain that if it is registered to the other state, where it is now night, then it won’t matter if I am driving people around in this state as it wouldn’t be being used at this time anyway. After a quick consolation with his partner the police officer decides that this is a valid excuse and lets me go on my way.

Then we go off on the road and my dream ends here.

So that’s it. Kray brothers beware, if you weren’t already dead I would perhaps smash your skulls open and squelch your brains with a brick. That goes for everyone else as well.

Get rid of your pesky gangsters CALL TODAY,
- Chris

When you’ve been sitting for the most part of a day, thinking about a certain job and trying to write something about it in order to impress the people who will be picking candidates, these thoughts are at the front of your mind.

If you then go to sleep with afore said thoughts at the front of your mind… well it can lead to some funky stuff happening.

Getting a job over the summer was always going to be tricky, but I had managed it. Not only that, I had managed to land a job in the same area as Neil, Mark and Derek were all working in as well.

I was working in a University over the summer, doing a placement which really appealed to me; I was so excited about starting. Turning up at the University (where I would actually be staying), the building was magnificent with huge towers and old musty rooms, just like all universities should be.

Neil, Mark and Derek accompanied me as I was led through all the passages and arches within the main court of the university. After walking for a short while we were brought to a door just off the courtyard and ushered in. This I was told was to be my living space. An old room, well lit and tidy, with various chairs and sofas and also a desk with a PC on it. I think to myself that I am glad not to have brought my PC as there is already one here.

After a quick look around the room I am satisfied, apart from the lack of a bed, I just assume that one of the sofas is a sofa bed. Neil, however, points out a door at the other side of the room, which for some reason has not been noticed up until now. Going through the door reveals my bedroom. Furnished with a bed with blue duvet and pillows this all seems in order. Turning around reveals another desk with yet another PC on it, things are looking up. Neil then starts looking around the desk telling me it should be here somewhere. I have no idea what he is looking for so ask what it is. Just at that moment he pulls up, form behind the desk, a laptop which he informs me is an iBook. Neil moans at me about this as it appears I have a Mac (he’s a big Mac freak) and high speed internet, whereas he has been landed with a PC and dial up connection.

The iBook plugs straight into the monitor the same time as the PC does and both displays are displayed on the screen at once allowing the user to jump between the PC display and the Mac display. This is fun for a while and I sit and play with the Mac and PC in turn.

Taking another look around my bedroom reveals it is not just a small box room but that it is a long room which my bedding area is only a small part of. The other end of this long room is filled by a pub. The pub is open and a few punters are sitting having a quiet drink. There is a curtain hanging from a rail in order to separate my bedroom from the pub.

Not thinking this to be too strange I go back to the computer and the guys all leave. Just after this, a bunch of people, also working at the university, come into the pub to celebrate. The bar side of the room fills up fairly quickly and then everyone starts piling into my bedroom. I end up sitting at my computer explaining how to work it to a guy sitting next to me.

I am sitting talking to this guy when a woman who “knows” me from home shouts me over to her. She then introduces me to X—–X’s daughter, some random person from the same town as I am. Realising that she wants to meet me about as much as I want to meet her, we say hello and leave it at that.

After all the main craziness has died down I decide to look through all the welcome material that I have been left. Amongst this is a box of cooked meats on top of which is one rasher of bacon with instructions as to what I need to do. It tells me that I need to enter certain details into the computer STRAIGHT AWAY. After doing so the girl I was introduced to comes over and asks me to cook some bacon for me. I explain to her that I cannot cook this bacon as I need it for the instructions on it. She does not seem impressed by this.

I sit back down at my PC and start looking at all the courses I have to attend before being able to do any work, there is about a weeks worth of them. Along at the bar one of the bar workers does something to the tap and beer starts spewing out all over the floor and the punters in the bar. Other things seem to happen then my dream jumps forward in time.

I am now standing on the balcony of one of the halls in the university, it has a deep red carpet and runs all the way round each side of the hall with stairs down to the hall floor. The walls and corners of the balcony are covered with paintings and statues of important people who attended or worked at the university. Walking round the balcony I see a man slouched on front of a coat of armour, crying to himself. I go to talk to him and find out it is my grandfather (but not actually him). He is upset because my father is such a worthless man, I try to explain to him that my father is not worthless but he won’t listen.

My father then appears at the other side of the balcony (although he is also not my father). He runs round to my grandfather and they talk for a while but I do not hear what they say. They make up and my grandfather is no longer crying but is happy. As it turns out he is the head of the university and when he stands up he is wearing his full ceremonial robes.

My father, grandfather and myself make our way into the middle of the hall where there is an exam going on. Most of the people in the exam I recognise from the pub the previous day. My grandfather goes to the front of the hall and starts giving a speech, no one is interested and everyone tries to get on with their exam. My father now tries to give his own speech but is also ignored.

I don’t know why but I decide it is my turn to give a speech. I stand on front of all the people in the exam and start walking up one of the rows of seats. As I do so the people who I have passed stop writing and get up from their seats. I have not yet said anything but once I have been round the entire room, everyone is standing, whooping and cheering for me.

I eventually come to the guy I had been explaining my computer to. He says nothing but seems happy to see me. Just then the girl, who I had refused the bacon to, comes over and demands bacon from me again. I tell her yet again that it is not possible for me to give her the bacon as I need it. The shouts accusingly at me saying I gave it to someone else then started pointing behind me. I look behind me to see Dean (a fellow student at Glasgow University) eating a bacon sandwich. I ask him where he got the bacon and he tells me he got it in my bedroom and he hopes I don’t mind.

Having lost the instructions of what to do, I decide it best to leave the university and go home. I walk out of the grounds and up towards a main road as it turns out the university is in the middle of nowhere. I take an unused path through some trees till I reach the road.

When I hit the road I see a huge army vehicle which is kitted out for desert terrain. It is done up with sand coloured camouflage and there are two women working in the back of it. One of them is Diana Scully from the X-files and the other is her friend. They are talking about me and how they cannot get in touch with me. I climb up into the cab and wait for them to come around. When they do so they are both surprised and relieved to see me. They want to go to the university for some top secret stuff. I drive the truck up to the road leading up to the university.

Here there is a roadblock which is unmanned. It has some German writing on it. I drive the truck onwards, smashing through the barrier and on down the road. I come to another road block which is also unmanned and has German writing on it. I smash through this one as well. We are then in the main grounds of the university. It should be down this hill and half way up the next, but it is not. Instead of the university buildings there are just green hills, I look around at the area we are in and see there is a sign for a golf course. It seems that the Germans have taken over the university and turned it into a golf course.

After getting out of the truck and scouting about, I see the mastermind behind this practicing his pitching at the bottom of the hill. I walk up to him and he starts explaining his plan to me in a James Bond manner. It now turns out that I am James Bond and my mission is to foil this evil golfing plan of the Germans. It also turns out I have managed to get a croquet club from somewhere and I hit one of the mastermind’s stray balls towards him.

I get even closer to the mastermind and he hands me his club to take a shot at pitching. I take up my stance and address the ball. Then I swing the club back much further than necessary hitting him in the head and knocking him out. I hide the body in some bushes but then hear someone coming down the road. The hill has the open road on its right and a river obscured by bushes on its left. I dive round one of the bushes and manage to hold on to the steep bank, peering through the bushes to see a henchman walk by.

Looking down the river I can see it bends away to the left and the banking goes back up towards the road and the truck. I pull out a rifle which I took from the mastermind and start to shimmy along the banking. I hear another noise and duck down against the banking. Then Scully and her friend appear along the banking and start moving towards me. More henchmen start appearing on the road, we have to move quickly to get out of here.

I move along the banking=, ducking and diving as necessary to avoid the henchmen. I reach the point where the river bends and start to climb the banking there. I reach the top and see there are no henchmen able to see me from the hill. I turn to go onto the road when I see two young henchmen of around 16 years sitting at the top of the banking. I point my gun at the older looking of the two and say, in my Sean Connery voice:

Think about it kid, itsh no worth shouting. Just run away now.

The kid got up to run off and started shouting to the other henchmen in the area that I was here. I tried to shoot the boy but the safety was on the rifle still. I clambered up the banking, flicking the safety off the gun. Around 30 henchmen appeared; I shot one of them picking up his automatic. Then with a left strafing action, I ran along rocketing off a barrage of bullets into the largest group of henchmen. Then with another strafing motion to the right I took out the majority of the rest. I finally finished off the last of the henchmen with a matrix style flip onto my head then back onto my feet whilst pounding a henchman full of bullets at the same time.

Then Scully and her friend appear and we take off towards the truck. Here is where my dream ends.

So, I’m looking for a job. If anyone’s got any spy work going gimme a call.

Cheers for now,
- Miller, Chris Miller

This is a long one. You might want to get yourself a cup of tea or coffee, maybe even a few digestives. If you need the toilet, go now. If the kid’s are up, send them to bed. Now turn off all the lights and find a nice comfy chair and enjoy.

This is one strange dream!

Going on holiday with my family, we are driving along in a camper van, my mother, father and brother are with me and my father is driving. Somehow we end up either hitting or getting stopped by a group of people who turn out to be vampires. I notice that they are vampires but none of my family do. Nothing happens so I leave it and we all drive off to the resort.

Little do we know that the vampires have somehow latched onto the side of the camper and are also on their way to the resort where we are staying.

When we arrive at the resort, my family and I go to the bar for a few drinks. The vampires who we met earlier on all (around four) come to sit with us at our table. Everything seems to be going fine, they are showing no signs of trying to eat any of my family and are actually quite nice. Then as time goes on I become increasingly interested in finding out that they are actually vampires and that I just didn’t imagine it. I casually comment to one of them:
“You guys are vampires, aren’t you?”

This lands me in a world of shit. The vampires become very annoyed at this implication and start being very aggressive and try to bite me. I get away from them and go to the bar. I notice a group of friends from university sitting at one of the tables near the bar. I don’t go over but Matt, one of the group, comes up to the bar and starts talking to me. We talk for a while about trivial things, I buy him a drink and then I leave due to the vampires wanting to kill me.

I then, somehow, meet a friend called Kev, from home. We decide to go out to one of the clubs in the resort and book a double room for the night. When out at the club, enjoying a drink or two, we bump into the vampires again. Wanting no trouble, I try to make a sharp exit. The vampires, however, have different ideas. They start laying into me, not trying to kill me, but really giving me a good beating. The vampires are really strong and the punches hurt like hell. After a while I manage to escape them with no major injuries.

Kev and I decide to go to another club on the resort and wander down the street to it. We are not inside for long when the vampires arrive looking for us. When they see us in the club they start attacking us both. This time I decide that I will have to try and fight back even though they are so tough. I hit one of them and as it turns out, they aren’t as strong as they look. We manage to beat a few of the vampires up and both make a run for it back to our room.

By this time its morning and Kev and I are packing our things as quickly as possible to take off in Kev’s car. For some reason Kev is finished faster than me and he goes off in the car without me. This leaves me in the resort, in the middle of nowhere, with a bunch of vampires after me.

This of course posed a problem, so I started to run down the road that my family had driven along the previous day. Way outside the resort, there was a standalone house which I had somehow rented to hide out in.

The house is five star accommodation with a large living room that steps down from the hall, as well as a kitchen coming off it. The living room had a huge television and a big coffee table (about 8′ by 4′). All around the living room were big windows which looked out onto the street which I had just come off.

Along with the house comes a fully stocked kitchen with a young Chinese woman to prepare and serve the food. I noticed her standing by the window in the kitchen as I entered it. Just then I realised that the vampires would be able to see me hiding out in the house with these big windows all around. I ran into the living room and hurriedly started drawing all the pairs of curtains, shouting back to the Chinese girl to do the same. Doing this in such a panicked way drew the attention of a couple passing by the window, backpacking along the road.

Sitting in the dreary dark of the incredible five star house I waited in hope that the vampires, who I had severely pissed off, would pass me by or that my family would rescue me before the vampires came.

Whilst sitting there I had a vision, much like a flashback, of the trekking couple at a garage, telling the vampires they had seen me pulling the curtains in this house. Then the vampires had started back towards me.

I waited for the vampires to come and when they did I fought them. Details of the fight are fuzzy; I did, however, cut one of the vampire’s heads off, when he was looking round the corner of a sofa. As for the others I am uncertain. I drove them away from the house, somehow, for the time being.

After I had regained control of the house, for now, I checked to see what the damage was. I found the Chinese girl hiding between the top of the coffee table and the shelves underneath. She was crammed into the tiny space and scared to death.
I managed to get the girl out of there just as my family arrived. More of my family were here than originally had been on holiday. My mother, father and brother, as before, were now joined by my auntie, uncle and cousins.

I explained to them the events of the previous evening and the day; they however, seemed unbothered by my experiences. Instead they were more concerned about the free kitchen full of food and the fact that I hadn’t eaten any of it.

Trying to warn them that the vampires may return at any moment was met with ignorance. Instead of fleeing as I suggested, each of my family went into the kitchen to get a slice of lemon meringue pie. I got them to agree to leave on the condition that I went into the kitchen to get a slice of pie for myself. When I entered the kitchen and looked around I found out that there was no more pie left. Instead I cut myself a slice of p?t? and ate that.

When we had all finished eating we went into the stairwell in order to go outside. On the stairs out of the living room I noticed a gold plate which was engraved showing that this house was five star accommodation and that it had been rented by Christopher Miller. Before going into the car, I decided to go to the toilet. The toilet was up the living room steps, onto the concrete landing and up a set of concrete steps.

The toilet in the house was not a single cubical, but an entire gents room. One I had been to the toilet I headed back out into the stairwell. When leaving the toilet I met an old man, dressed in an old grey suit, in the doorway, when he saw me he turned and didn’t go into the toilet. Instead he hurriedly walked off down the corridor. Just as he was about to turn down a right hand passageway, another man reached the top of the stairs. This man was dressed in black had a gun with a silencer on it. As the old man turned the corner, the younger man shot him in the back. The old man fell onto his face, dead.

I then go down the stairs to get into the car and go home.

The moral of this dream:

Don’t worry about vampires, they aren’t that strong. Have your cake (or p?t?) and eat it. But whatever you do, watch out for the men in black!

Have fun
- Chris

Don’t know if it was what little I had to drink or the extreme tiredness that brought this dream on, but whatever it was it produced a very random dream, and it goes like this:

I am in my house, but it’s not my house. In fact it is nothing like my house… this house has a small garden in it, mine doesn’t. The dream centers on there being an infestation in the house, mainly of cockroaches, and my attempts to rid it of the infestation.

Not usually squeamish to things of this nature I decide to take it upon myself to rid my magnificent house of these pesky critters. From somewhere I produce some sort of insect killing spray (much like the one used by the exterminator Delbert McClintock, John Goodman’s character in Arachnophobia).

From here on in, I tour around my house chasing cockroaches and spraying them with this super bug killer. All in all it works very well, however catching some of the blighters is trickier than it looks. Specifically catching one of them was particularly hard and took a while, in the end I sprayed it and watched it melt into a steaming mound of dead.

After a while, when I have tracked down and killed all the cockroaches, I proceeded along to the garden inside the house that I mentioned earlier. I skulk along and start to move up the garden path when I am confronted with a horde of slugs… slugs you say, surely not! Alas yes, the slugs were upon me and for some reason I was shitting myself. Frantically I tried to kill a few with the spray. The slugs when sprayed were even more impressive than when the cockroaches were sprayed. They foamed white and fizzled until they were dead. Spraying more and more vigorously I realised that there were too many slugs for me to take on by myself.

One of the slugs leapt off the paving slab and onto my face, covering my eyes and mouth with its slimy, disgusting body… I claw at my face to get it off, eventually I do and then take off away from the slugs, and there my dream ends.

When I woke later on that night I realised that the world hadn’t been taken over by the slugs, so whatever I did managed to keep them at bay. But I beg you if, when you are walking down your garden path, you see a slug, step on the little bastard, we have to keep the threat under control.

Always have some salt handy!

This dream starts off with me on holiday in Spain with my family. My mother has just had a baby and we are all away to celebrate this. To start with we are at the beach and park the hired car just off the sand. The beach is not crowded at all and some boats are moving around in the little cove which the beach is in. I and my father decide to go for a swim in the sea and go off in our separate ways into the water. I am swimming around for a while when I see a boat heading my way. The boat just misses me and I duck under the water. When under the water I can see right across the cove, as the water is so clear. I then see a boat which is following a whale for tourists to see it.

I continue to swim around for a while, and then see something very strange indeed. As I am swimming I see the whale again, but this time it is being followed by another boat, an underwater boat. The boat which was following the whale was not a submarine, but rather a full size sail boat which moved around under the water. Nobody I spoke to thought this to be rather suspect and my father explained to me that the boat could follow the whale better if it was under water… fair enough.

Other things happened at the beach, none which have any bearing on the story. Then we all got back into the car and headed back to our villa. When in the villa I was meant to sit out some things for giving away to a charity shop. I collected all these things, except for a stuffed toy belonging to a boxer dog called George who was living with us as I couldn’t find it. I thought nothing else of the matter, however when the dog came back into the villa he seemed very upset. After going back outside I was sent to follow him and see what the problem was (not waking the baby on the way).

When outside I sat on a step and the George the dog sat on front of me. I asked George what was wrong and he told me (oh yes) that his stuffed toy which he had since he was a puppy had been torn and was ruined. By this point George had burst into tears and was sitting with his head on my knee. I went on to tell him how sorry I was about the toy being ruined and petted him. This seemed to continue for ages, with me clapping the dog and it being very upset.

This is where my dream ends and I wake up very confused and wondering what the hell happened.

The beach which I am now on is empty and is very secluded, except from one man in black (who I suspect is a police officer) is walking up to the crashed car. As the person walks up to the car I realize he is going to try and attack me. Knowing this I leap from the car and hit him knocking him to the ground. I then attempt to run off and head towards the sea where I see a boat sitting.

The boat is a dark colour which is almost black, although there is a slight crimson metallic look about it. I get into the boat and head out into the water. As I am doing so more police arrive in black 4×4’s. By the time I am 300 meters away from the coastline there are around 10 police officers on the beach all with loaded guns and ready to take me out.

Wondering what to do next, and as one of the police officers has started to swim out to the boat I am in, I start to look around for something to aid me. In the boat I find a gun like none I have ever seen before. This is a very vivid part of my dream and I have drawn below (as well as I could), what the gun looked like. The strangest thing about this gun was the tabs which it had on either side. Not knowing what these did or how to actually work the gun I was standing pulling the trigger whilst pointing the gun at the police officer in the water, however nothing was happening.

Desperately trying to figure out what is going on (and the police officer getting ever closer) I start mashing at the gun to get something to happen, I then try to push one of the tabs at the side of the gun (specifically the ones on the right hand side of the gun). Pushing the first of these tabs was met with a crunch and the sound of a shell sliding into place. Then just as the officer reaches the boat and is grabbing the side in order to pull himself out of the water, I shove the barrel of the gun in his face and ended him.

At the point where I shot the first officer in the face all hell broke loose and the other police on the shore started shooting at me with automatic weapons. Meanwhile I am reloading the shotgun by pressing more of the tabs on the side of the gun, and shooting at the shore. Unfortunately the shotgun is no use at this range and the shells go nowhere near the police, however the automatic weapons the police are using have a better range and are nearly hitting me.

This progresses for a while until I have used all the reload tabs on the right hand side of the gun, I then start pressing the ones on the left hand side. Expecting these to do the exact same thing as the ones on the right I fire off a shot at the shore, this time however the gun has been loaded as an automatic weapon and a barrage of bullets come flying out of the barrel at high speeds.

The range of the automatic weapon I now have is much more than that of the shotgun and I proceed to shoot at each of the police in turn until I have killed or injured all of them. When this is finally done I move the boat back into shore and get back onto land.

From here on I am less sure of what happens, I get a motorbike from somewhere and ride along the beach to the right until I meet my brother, then I join him in doing huge jumps on the bikes over a large sand ramp, over a bowling green (?). That’s all I can remember about the dream… the gun is damn cool!

Andy informs me that he has pulled a few strings to get these people to sign the card (and I assume to get me a good position in one of companies). He then tells me as I am leaving the room that I now “owe him one”. I disregard this and go on to the pub.

I am now in the pub and know the barmaid. I ask her to pour me a drink, however she is busy (actually doing nothing at all) and tells me I had better get it myself. I then pour myself a drink from one of the spirit bottles behind the bar and Andy (who is now sitting in the corner with all his hard men friends) offers to buy me it. I reluctantly accept (due to me already “owing” him).

The bar scene continues and I am having to work behind the bar as the barmaid is not doing so. The bar at this point starts getting extremely busy with locals and more of Andy’s hardmen friends. Whilst being rushed off my feet Andy then goes on to start shouting at me that this bar is in an ideal location for serving meals and that this would be the only way in which it would make money. He then blames me for there being no food available at the pub.

At this point the pub becomes an olden broken down room (like an old tavern) with no roof, and the door swings open. Then a horde of vampires start to crowd the place and it turns out all the regulars are vampires also. I assume that Andy (because of his shouting) is also a vampire, however it turns out that he is not.

I eventually escape the bar with Andy and two girls who are not vampires. We then run across a field only to look back and see a huge stream of vampires all walking in the opposite direction to myself like a massive flowing river of people. Two or three vampires then break away from the group and head towards the four of us.

From here on my memory of the dream becomes fuzzy, however it contains something about being on the bank of a river and going down a hill on a bike with some other people with me.

All I know is, it was the worst birthday present I have ever had!